Are you a cutter? I am looking for insight into why someone would participate in cutting.  There are some interesting testimonies that I have already heard that will give you a unique perspective inside the mind of a cutter. If you are a cutter / ex-cutter, please take a moment to tell us your story. To protect your identity please do not put your real name in the name box. I have decided to keep this totally anonymous so that people will be honest.

I want to write an article to teach pastors and counselors about cutting. I have my own perspective, as I used to cut and carve myself as a teenager. I still have scars, but I want others to learn from my scars. This is an opportunity for someone to learn from your scars.  I want to challenge you to be brave, to be bold, to be honest. AGAIN, Please do not give your real name, address, phone number or any information that will allow people to identify you. If you are willing to raise your voice, please note there is no right or wrong thing to say, just speak your heart.

Please let us know some of the following about you:

Below is a list of links and hotlines for self-injury support:

  • Self Injury Helpline:             1-800-DONT CUT       (            1-800-366-8288      )
  • Self-Help: Organized and otherwise This section contains a variety of ways that you can stop yourself from making that cut or burn or bruise right now.
  • Mirror Mirror: Specializing in Eating Disorders but this is a great SI page.
  • Helpguide: “The number of young people who participate in acts of self-mutilation is growing. Recovery is a continuous process and learning how to stop this addictive behavior is within your reach if you work at it.”
  • American Self Harm Information Clearinghouse: Strives to increase public awareness of the phenomenon of self-inflicted violence and the unique challenges faced by self-injurers and the people who care about them.
  • Secret Shame: Lots of good stuff in here.

Here are the instructions: 


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Thanks for your input.

26 Responses

  1. first im fifteen and im don’t cut i hurt myself physical and mentally in different my worst one is punching my wall……….i started because i have really bad anger issues and i just can’t take all the bs in my life sometimes i started and 13 years old and have been doing it since i feel like my family doesn’t care about me and blame everything one me i get threatened to get kicked out every other week and yelled at every hour for nothing it’s come to the point to where im almost never at home anymore im always wondering the streets until my legs can’t carry me any more or i get back to my house plus i can’t sleep anymore cause im always getting yelled at or fighting my uncle im just don’t know how else to take out my anger so i fight or hit things thats why i hurt my self :/

  2. im 16… i started cutting when i was 14. It started out in middle school when a girl who was was my best friend at that time started getting into drugs.. I was a good kid growing up and i geuss i was scared as hell.. Her parents got divorced and that why this all began… She stayed with her dad and her brother, and there were always parties going on and he didnt care, supplied drugs and alchohol to everyone even… Highschool kids all around were drinking, smoking ganja and meth. I was staying the night with her, when out of nowhere on of these parties came about… She had been presuring me all night to just take a hit, and take a drink, id feel better… I had before,, and i didnt see any reason to start now, so i just kinda sat in the corner of the room trying to be invisible… My plan had been working out pretty well at first until her brother and his girlfriend noticed me.

  3. I started cutting at the age of 8. It made me feel good. I grow up thinking that I was just a horrid person. I hurt. Words could never ever express how I felt. It was a rush. It was the only thing in my life that I had control over so I felt powerful. Everyone knew I cut. Teachers, friends.. Noone ever cared to every tLk to me so I did it even more because I knew noone cared. I didn’t stop until I was 15 years old…. It’s hard to believe I could make myself stop. It wAs hard. I cut over 15 different seatings a day and about 17 cuts each time. It took over my life. My life at home was crazy my parents would fight with me and my sister was on meth so that jut made everything worse. It was hell. I know if your reading this it’s because you want to understand so let me help you. People that cut are not crazy, thier numb. I haunt cut in about 4 mouths now. But sometimes I crave it

  4. your current age — My current age is 23.

    how old you were when you started cutting — Started in middle school, about 12-13.

    what does cutting do for you — It honestly gave me a physical pain, because I was in so much emotional pain.

    how do you feel before / after — Before I’d feel depressed, crying, worthless. After, all I felt was the physical pain from the actual cuts.

    tell about your family life — Had to grow up Very fast, was babysitting my younger sisters at 5 years old. Never had a “christmas” or “birthday” because there wasn’t enough money. My real father was never in my life; my mom worked so hard to keep us afloat. Now, my dad is more of a support than my mom. Outside my immediate family, most other members are 2 faced, and will tell you one thing, then say/do another the minute you’re gone.

    is there anyone who influenced you to cut — Not that I can remember.

    do you ever cut with friends — Negative.

    please tell me anything you think needs to be said — I spent 2 months in the hospital while in high school. Cried when I had to leave (due to state insurance issues) because the hospital environment was better than my home. I don’t cut anymore, but I do Cry, and cry a lot. Some days I make myself sick because I can’t catch my breath from crying so hard. I know I need help, but even now, the money is too tight.

  5. It started when I was 13, maybe 14. Ten years later, and I still struggle with the urge to cut. I never learned how to deal with my emotions, so they flood and I have no way to release them. When I cut, when I used to cut, it was a release. The physical pain emptied the emotional stress, the emotional pain. When tears can’t flow fast enough or at all, when I feel like I’m going to burst from too many BIG emotions in my small body…something needs to give. Cutting was how I could empty myself. I felt numb afterwards, emotions no longer held any weight. They were there but they were ghost feelings. It was so much easier to deal with the feeling of being overwhelmed, the anxiety, the stress, the feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, confusion, when they held no weight.

    My parents divorced when I was young. I lived with my mother till she chose drugs over me, then moved in with my dad. I was cutting before all that hell broke loose. I was unintentionally taught to keep them hidden; “suck it up” and “cut it out” as my parents would say when I would cry. “Don’t be a drama queen.”

    After several years, my best friend and I helped each other quit. We supported one another, till we could fight off the urges on our own. I still get completely overwhelmed at times. I don’t know what to do other than let the emotions completely flood my body, choke and paralyze me. It ends after a few minutes but it never fades away completely. I still don’t know which is truly worse; the fleeting ghost emotions of happiness or the even more fleeting moments of happiness I have now. I stay strong for the people I love in my life. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to anymore though, it just means that I can control one aspect of my actions.

  6. I started cutting myself to be cool. my cousin would carve cool designs in our arms witha n exacto knife. I am an adult now but I still sometimes secretly cut myself. i am fascinated by the blood. I think it kinda relieves stress. Sometimes i will see how far i can stab myself with a needle. Once my spouse caught me cutting my side open, I acted like I was digging out a splinter. sometimes i wonder if i am messed up, i think i am sorta normal. maybe a little wierd. sometimes i punch and slap myself whan i am mad. i started all this when i was a little kid. it is good to hear i am not alone out there. i dont really see anything wrong with cutting myself… i mena, it is my body. i can do what i want. still sometimes, i woder if i am wierd.

  7. im 16.. i started cutting when i was 14… It wasnt my fault though, and no one knows that i do,, none of my friends,, not even on the project… I feel like i cant tell becuase no one can help me this way… I got sent to a therapist becuase i lost it and went off on my mom so they assumed i was using drugs and needed to be in a physc ward… I probably wouldnt have lied to that therapist if my parents hadnt been in the room at that time becuase i really do want help but there are too many things I cant tell because i dont want to be taken out of my home, i dont want to be put in a physc ward, i dont want my friends knowing, and i dont want my parents knowing,, if i could get help without them knowing i would… I didnt start cutting myself because it made me feel better.. Thats not what it does.. It makes all the stresses of a single moment of anger vanish… I began cutting because i am judged on how i react to everything..If i raise my voice or shed a tear i get called mentally unstable.. I cut because being the person I am, im not allowed to cry, im not allowed to hurt, im not supposed to complain about anything…I was constantly bullied in middle school and it was really bad.. every night i have nightmares, and im terrified to even go to school still… It started out with a girl who was formerlly my best friend in 6th grade… I was a good kid, and had never done anything “bad” up untill then and i did not plan on starting then, i had no reason too..Her parents split up is why she became the person she did.. she let that destroy her, but i didnt want to “give up” on her and leave me when she needed me the most. One night i stayed the night at her and a bunche of her brothers friends showed up and everyone there was either drunk or high except for me, i was trying to be invisible but it didnt work out so well because her 17yr old brother and his girlfriend noticed me and when i wouldnt take a hit of meth they got seriously pissed about it and she did as well.. They made me go into his room with him and his girlfriend and alot of bad things happend that night… I lfet the next day, fake smile plastered on my face and promised myself i wouldnt talk to her ever again… A month later i broke that promsie to myelf, she came up to me on my 13th birthday in tears and completly breaking down saying that her boyfriend had just died from OD. Im the type of person where i cant turn down anyone who is any kind of pain. I took her camping with me spring break, and while we were there she met my a boy who was 23.. After them knowing one another a whole 60 minutes, they had sex… I left them to do whatever and regreted taking her along, but i was stuck with her the rest of that week. We had an argument in which i called her a whore, and that set her off to pull a knife on me while he was there.. We were in the middle of the woods, with no one else around, she told me she would kill me if i didnt, and he was telling me just to let it be over with and it wouldnt last long… Again i left with fake smiles on my face so no one would ask questions… I tried to stay away from her at school, and i never told anyone until thecounslers at the school asked me about it,, because she had beengoing aroung bragging about having sex with such an older guy, the parts about me were left out but everyone knew she went camping with me that weekend, and so when the counslers asked if she had sex with him i broke down and told them about the argument me and her had had about me saying anything and i told them that she would kill me if i told,, i of course accidently forgot to mention the things she made me do… They told me she wont kill you and sent me back to class in tears and shaking… She assumed that i had told on her before that anyways and she was asked about it by counslers at the school and denied it, so of course they thought i was being dramatic because what kind of middlechool kid would fuck a guy so much older?? The next 2 years of my middleschool life were absolute hell because of her and her new bestfriend… Everyday i would get cussed out and beatup,, Alot of times a teacher had seen what happend but no one ever did anything… Blackeyes and busted lips everyday finally got my librian at the school to say something…The counsler there asked me about it, and i just made up lame excuses and she would just simply forget about it… It got so bad that one of my teachers found me blacked out after school and took me into my counslers office once again and stood listening to mine and hers conversation… The next week, that teacher saw me yet again with another blackeye, and took me to the principles office.. After 2 years of getting beat up and tortured i was done, and broke down and told him what happend the last time.. He said it was assult and all this other legall stuff that i didnt care about at the time, i just wanted it all to go away..He called a police officer into the school to talk to me, and the other girl and her friend who were hurting me…I was strong at first thinking that everything would now be alright and it would all go away… I didnt realize how wrong i was..The officer called me back into the room after she had spoke with them,, both counslers, both principles, the teacherthat had taken me down there, and a social worker whom i had become very close too were now all in the room and i started to get nervous.. Ill never forget the conversation i had with them in that room,, it was me, a terrified bruised and cut up little kid, against 6 pissed off adults… They said i was lying.. I was on the floor crying and shaking by the time they finally let me talk again,, and the cop, she was holding me telling me that i would be ok and they wernt going to hurt me. I looked her right in the eyes and said “they are going to kill me.. make it stop…” and she just kept holding me while the principle went on a rant about how i betteer start talking.. They finally got me sitting in a chair up against a wall facing all of them… They talked to the other girls,, looked at some stuff on camera and since they didnt have it camrea they stuck with thinking that i was lying.. We were there for hours and finally one of the principles says ” are you hitting yourself to try and get our attention?” and thats when i realized i lost the battle and nothing i could say would make them believe me.. they wouldnt let me leave and i went with some really stupid story and told them i fell of my skateboard and hit my face,, a story that even my parents “believed”.. I didnt even have a skatboard at that time… The officer called me a monster for “fabricating” this story just because of my anger towards some “innocent fellow students”… I got kicked out of school, and when i was finally allowed back theose principal made me apologize to those 2 girls… I didnt have a choice so i did, and they knew they had one and could do whatever they wanted now…The rest of 7th grade that year was pretty bad, but my 8th grade year it got even worse… I was asked again by the teacher from the year before who had tried to help why i had two black eyes and cut marks covering my face,, i again went with a dumb excuse becuase i knew i would only get called a liar had i said anything.. Im in highschool now,, and the bullying by those two girls is alot worse..They have pulled knives on me, cut me, even put a gun to my head once.. And everyone knows it but no one will do anything… A few of my friends just stood by and watched while the girls made ma play a game they call spaceman,, its where you get choked out until you black out and repeatedly.. thats the scarries thing they have done to me in my opinion…They would all cut themselves,, and take turns holding me down and cutting me…My brother just left recently,, but he would beat the hell out of me when he was here,, which was ok cuz its not like i didnt hit him back..My dad is always working,, and he is really strict but is the nicest hearted man on this planet even if he totally ignores the fact that he has a teenager who needs him and this teen just might have some problems even though they try like hell not to show,, and no one else knows it… My mother,,well i hate her. She needs to remeber how it felt to be bashed around when she was a kid.. Dad is never here and even when he is he says its my fault or mostly just ignores it..I feel alone in my family, and yet im the one who is expected to always stay strong, and to never hurt.. Before cutting i feel like the world is going to end,, and like no one is there and i have to do this to put on my smile and keep going and being the one expected to hold everyone else up.. After cutting i regret it,, and think that maybe i should listen to my own advice and find a better way to let things out,, thats what i tell all of my friends who cut,, yet i myself cant do that..I think that something that needs to be said is we are screaming for help but no one is hearing our crys.. No one knows what it is like to be me, to have to lie alot of times, to not be able to say what i want, to not be allowed to cry.. If i had someone to tell everything,, just so i could tell them,, have no consequenes,, ask there advice,, have them actually listen to me instead of only hearing me,, well i would…That would mean the world to me,, and if i had someone like that to go to,, who would just tell me that i would be ok,, even if only for a few minutes,, and maybe have someone say i love you, or hug me now and then, i wouldnt feel as much of a need to cut.. Im alone though,, and its my own fault because i dont have much trust for anyone, and i built these walls around myself for temporary protection, even tho i knew that they would fall in on me.. our buoldings have fallen, our walls have caved in,, and we cant comprehend the sad state that we are in.. so we sift through the ashes of what we have become,, and we surrender here one by one… im screaming for help but no one can hear me.. If eyes could speak,, mine would tell a veryy long story of why and the would be screaming for someone to do something..However eyes dont speak,, and silent cries are never heard so i geuss in that case everything is really ok.. I would really like to know why these bad things keep happening and why i cant seem to breathe… Eyes dont talk, and people dont care… So im going to end this by saying,, everything i just tryped will most likly mean nothing to no one.. Even my reasons for typing all of that were just statistical information…. And the butterfly project on facebook,, even tho i never say my feelings there,, having it there,, and knowing im not alone in my pain did make me feel a little less weak.. I hope one day im stronger than i feel,, and i hope that it feels different than today.. Make it stop… <3

    1. I believe you. I pray that God’s healing blood washes over you in the most real and tangible way. Jesus was cut in his side, He was beaten and bloodied to heal you. Only He will give you strength. Read the book of Lamentations. God understands your sorrow. I don’t know you, will probably never meet you, but I will not forget you and am praying.

  8. Im 16. I started cutting when i was 14. Cutting for me used to take away some pain and stress in my life. Before i cut i feel really depressed and feel like the most horrible person in the world. Then how i feel after depends cause sometimes it makes me feel worse but other times it makes me feel as if ive taken the ‘bad feelings’ and released them from my body from the opening within my body. I have divorced parents. Ive moved three times, switched schools twice and i was abused verbally and physically as a kid. No one really influenced me to cut i felt like it was my own choice to do what i did. Im usually alone when i do it. I like to keep it private where no one will question me about it. For some its adducting for others its a stress reliever. There are many ways to use cutting as an advantage. Adults sometimes think of it as a way to get attention. But those who do cut dont want attention they want releif from the pain they are holding inside and dont want to tell anyone. Teens and kids these days are put under alot of pressure to succeed in this society so they think problems in their own life are to small to bring up and too inferior to talk about with anyone.

  9. I’m 16. I started cutting when I was 15 but I’ve been hurting myself in other ways since I was 6. Physical pain is easier for me to deal with than emotional pain. Cutting helps me cope. Before I cut I usually feel angry or depressed sometimes to the point where I just want to die. After I cut I’m not angry anymore, my depression isn’t as bad, and my suicidal thoughts are gone for awhile. My family life is really complicated. Basically, My dad was verbally abusive until the day he died and 90% of the rest of my family are alcoholics. Nobody influenced me to start hurting myself and I don’t cut with friends.

  10. How old I was when I started- 12
    How old I am now- 14
    Why I cut- I have only ever cut a few times in my life….maybe 10 at the most…the reasoning behind it was mostly my parents….I was never bullied in school…and I’m still not….if anything I’m on the popular side….people neve suspected a thing… “friends” wouldn’t ayway….as long as I show up to school in an outfit that cost more than 100 bucks, they dont care whats up with me… Back to my parents…..from 2 on they both hit me….they used to wacth each other….my dad did it the hardest….and the most….but I always prefered him over my mom because she use things…my dad nevr hit me with anything other than his hand….ig that’s really my biggest reason behind cutting…. I know I don’t have a tragic story behind cutting….but being physically and emitonally abused is hard on you…I have a very low self esteem because of the things that were said to me…

  11. So you can find me walking down the street, going to school, chillen with friends. I am just another teanager like any other. I just I have my problems. Who doesn’t? That is one of the biggest questions of the world.Mine are just different than yours and I deal with mine a little bit different then you. I just learned that I like to cut myself . When I was in the 6th grade I was in art class when I cut myself on one of those handheld pencil sharpeners. I was having a really bad day and just felf terrible about myself. At that point in my life I was an outcast, I didn’t have very many friends, alot the friends I had were not very good friends or people I should have been haging out with, I had one girl dump me ( on that day) and other reject me harshly. I was just liven that life. At home was my problem though. When a child feels that his parents don’e love him. Well that is just one of those things you get every once in a while. When he can proove it is another story. I am the one that can proove it. I have had my mother tell me she didn’t want me. That she wanted a normal teenager. That I wasn’t good enough and that I never would be. I was going to get into this school and flunk out because I was a dumbass, that I would never be able to keep up with the good people of this world and for a long time believed her. I still here her voice in my head screaming at me. YOU ARE NOTHING YOU INGRATEFUL PIECE OF[censored]. YOU WILL DO NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING. DO YOU EVEN HAVE A BRAIN. YOUR JUST A TEENAGER WITH [censored]ING PROBLEMS. She says many things of this sort. I just hear them all the time. I want her to be proud of me so badly. I want her to but I just give up. She isn’t proud of me and she doesn’t love me. I feel that hurt everyday and it eats at the inside of me. I want to let it go but it is so hard. I have told a few people , Family, Friends, but I still can’t let it go. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel like me. I got on drugs for a long while. Right as I started I was dealing. I still am in this game tring to get out but it is all I have now. I feel safe doing it. It is all I know. I cut to get rid of the pressure and to make the voices go away. The pain is just something to focus on, it makes the rest of the world just melt away. It puts me in my own little bubble just for a little bit. I can’t take it sometimes and I just want to bleed. I want to crawl into a hole and fall asleep for a real long time…till finally one day it is all over. Till I can finaly be me again. I want to be me and feel like me but I can’t. Cause me is not someone that people like. So I only have one question for you. Who am I suppost to be now?

  12. I was a rape victom at age 5, that pretty much ruined all of the rest of my life, I still to this day, though its been 9 years, blame myself. I was molested when I was 8, by my cousin, and I was so ashamed I didnt tell anyone until I hit age 12, I was so embarrassed because is was my female cousin who did it to me. I never had parents, they were there physically but not mentally, my mother was/is a drug addict, and my dad, an alcoholic, my dad used to abuse my mom right in front of me, I never saw anything wrong with it until I was in middle school, my parents divorced when I was 9, and that just ruined me as a person because, for 3 years I swore it was my fault, I started talking of suicide in 4th grade, although I didnt even know what suicide was, I just knew that I didnt want to be alive anymore, I was put on suicidal watch. And it didnt help that I had been eating my pain away sence I was 5 so I was over weight and for 2nd grade on, I pretty much got tortured every single day. I grew up with nothing, I didnt always have a roof over my head or food in my stomach, or running water, electricity or heat, I always seemed to be without atleast one of them, but thats just how I lived. Also when I was 9, I desided I was old enough for sex (stupidest thing ever) and I still regret that year and im so ashamed of that, that I never even told my bestfriend, and idk if I ever will… After my parents divorce, my mom was in and out homes, never had a stable job, her most stable job? Money for sex. she still does that but doesnt think that I know. My mom cant hold a relationship, or a roof over her head. She has nothing either. I have to go stay with her every month of july and I will go weeks without eating, showering, or electricity, and thats just how I lived. My mom is still a drug addict and a thief, I cant even tell you how much has been taken from me for no reason. I was never really good with making friends, so I was always a loner, people just dont like me, and to make matters worse, my Dad was engaged to this woman for 2 years and that woman hated me and made it known. She’d tell me how ugly and fat I am, show me how worthless I am, she took everything from me, including my diary and my favorite jeans. She would love to tell me how much better then me that my friend was. She pretty killed whatever happiness that was left inside of me, and to make that even worse, my dad had a kid by her, so now I will deal with her for the rest of my life. My mom is still a druggie, and I pretty much hate her for everything shes done to me, including giving birth, and my Dad, he thinks im a freak because of my scars, acually, my whole family thinks im a freak because I dont like to talk, I wear black, I listen to hard rock and screamo, and I do have scars. Im the family screw up, im always an outcast. So I search for love in relationships, which of course hurt me more, when I think I found a good one and start to fall, he crushes me, oh and another thing, im tortured because I am bisexual, I cant even tell you how many times ive been told that im going to hell, I was atheist for 3 years, I just found God on October 26, 2011 but I still have the bad thoughts, I still wish I was dead, I still hate myself and everything about me, and I STILL despise my reflection. Well thats my story

  13. your current age– 15

    how old you were when you started cutting– 12

    what does cutting do for you– it gives me a sense of control and something to focus on other than my emotional pain

    how do you feel before / after– before I cut I feel out of control- helpless, even. My chest is tight and I feel as if I can’t breath right; my thoughts race and they’re never nice. After I cut I feel relieved (though only for a brief moment) because I’m distracted and the pain has a numbing affect- I can’t quite think straight and It helps me breathe again.

    tell about your family life– My parents divorced when I was very young. My mom passed away from cancer when I was 11. For the majority of the time that I’ve been living with my sister and dad we’ve been dysfunctional at best.

    is there anyone who influenced you to cut– I don’t think so

    do you ever cut with friends– I had a friend that I would always discus it with.. But we never cut together

    please tell me anything you think needs to be said– There’s so much more to be said about this.. But I can’t think very well right now (long day). I know now that there’s MUCH better ways to cope with cutting. For me it’s writing; for others it may be singing or art- who knows! Anything is better than hurting yourself. I’m actually writing a book right now.. a sort of ‘facing the past’ kind of project… memoirs are hard to write (especially when you’re writing about a life you’d rather forget) but it really does help to write out the emotions you bottled up during the actual events.

  14. I’m currently 16, and I started self-harming 3 and a half years ago, just before I turned thirteen. I felt very numb and helpless, as though I had tried every coping mechanism out there. I knew self-harm was a bad method of dealing with life, but I felt I’d exhausted any other option. At the time, self-harming made me feel something when I couldn’t feel anything at all. Over the years, it has also taken away unwanted feelings, helped calm me down when I get too anxious, distracted me from my other problems, and more. Prior to self-harming, I tend to feel overwhelming anxiety and and deep sense of dread, as if I know what I’m about to do, but I can’t stop myself. Afterward, I feel temporary relief and then guilt and shame. I’m lucky to have two parents who care about me, but they can be extremely strict, over-bearing, hypocritical, and judgmental. My mother is extraordinarily passive aggressive and can be terrifying when stressed. I need very little affection to be happy, but my mother needs to show massive amounts of affection to feel validated, so we run into a lot of problems there. They are both very religious and pretend to be far more liberal than they really are. For example, they say they support gay marriage but sort of ignore the fact that my sister is bi and react negatively when they see gay couples. No one ever really influenced me to start. I’d mostly read about it and heard about it online. I found out after I started that my sister is also a self-harmer. She doesn’t know about my SH, and I plan to keep it that way. I have not cut for more than a month, but I did scratch myself badly several weeks ago. I feel that I am generally in a better mental state nowadays, but my anxiety has gotten much worse and is now the only reason I ever self-harm. (Sorry if this isn’t what you were looking for!)

  15. In October of 2010, my life started to change. My grades were slipping from there usual B+ and above, to C’s and below. My family and I were constantly at one anthers throat, and my friends became meaner to me. One day in November, I was reaching to grab something, when my arm grazed the edge of a table. I mean it wasn’t that bad of a cut that it cause for blood to be drawn, but it was still deep. The feeling I got after my arm was cut was the best feeling I had felt in a few weeks. I don’t know, but i just felt free, like I was floating on air. Over the next few months, my life kept getting worse. My grades were still horrible, my parents and I were frustrated at each other, and my ‘friends’ kept taunting me. My ‘friends’ would make comments like “Woah, your shaking the bench there.” or “Don’t you think that’s too much food?” they also made fun of my boobs, my face, hair, and even dubbed me with the name ‘baboon butt’. They didn’t feel any remorse about it what’s so ever,all of them too consumed with themselves. The world around me was losing color, nothing just seemed bright anymore. I’m not the best at talking about my feelings, honestly, they make me uncomfortable. So, the only way I could deal with it was through slashing my arms. I had only cut my self three times from November to early December, and after the third time, I promised to stop. I didn’t mean to make a habit out of it,it just became the one thing to calm me down. Pretty soon, three became five, and five became twenty. January rolled around and I thought life was becoming great again,and I stopped cutting. Then February came, and hinges began to go down hill again. My friends were back to taunting me, my grades fell again, and it felt like people were constantly judging me. My friends comments got to me so badly, I tried to starve my self on a few different occasions, but eventually gave up. I gained enough confidence to tell one of my so called friends about my cutting, because I knew she tried it to, but guess what? She didn’t care what’s so ever, she just said “So? I do that to.” she didn’t seem to understand how I felt, because she never lightened up on the insults. I guess I felt hurt, I thought maybe I could have one friend who I could talk about this with, but I turned out wrong. In early April, my so called best friend and I got into a huge blowout, and she started spreading lies about me. She made me feel so horrible, that I made thirteen cuts on my arms, one for every year I was alive. I just huddled up in a ball for two hours and cried the most I had cried in months. I hated my self. I hated my looks, and I hated my personality. I couldn’t look at a mirror without flinching. I just felt so alone and hated for so long, I came so close to taking my own life to. I thought that without me, people would just be happy, and that I could finally find peace. I just desperately wanted to feel something again, and cutting became the only thing to help me accomplish my goal. I don’t exactly know when cutting became a need, all I know was that even on the rare day I was happy, I still had to cut. Cutting was the one thing in my life I had control of in my life, and I craved the feeling of being in control. I eventually transferred schools in May or so, severed contact with most of the friends who were horrible to me, and my life looked up.

    What I didn’t realize through those agonizing months was that I always had my real best friend there for me. She was my only friend, but wen then I don’t think she would have understood what I was going through. She was also under the same verbal abuse as our friends, maybe even worst when I left, but I don’t know if I could have been able to bring myself to make to have made her understand my reasons. I eventually told her my dirty little secret a few weeks ago, and I totally regret it. I don’t know why, but telling her made me feel ashamed.

    My life’s been great the last few moths. I’ve kept my real best friend, and I’ve made a bunch of new friends too. Life’s really looked up, and it makes me glad I didn’t take my own life. My right arm feels like its never fully recovered. Every few weeks, I feel this burning sensation in a certain part of my arm, that I only recently figured out was the area I cut the most. I still have my moments every now and then where all I want to do is cut my arms, usually when I feel sad or angry. But I usually just let the feelings wash over for a few seconds, and then they go away. It’s hard, but honestly, I refuse to tell any more people about this. Mostly out of fear of being judged, mocked, or being sent to go talk about my feelings. I can’t handle that. I know it might sound a little crazy, but I’d gladly pretend that those colorless months were one of the best, if it meant no one will ever learn about my secrets.

  16. your current age: 16

    how old you were when you started cutting: 14

    what does cutting (physical harm) do for you: lots of things. gives me some control. releases stress. gets rid of emotional pain and gives me physical pain. i got addicted. no one around me seems to notice anything about me.

    how do you feel before / after:

    before: one of a couple ways. completely emotionless and hollow inside. overly emotional, out of control with some form of sadness. or simply at the point where i’m bored of life and everything around me and i’m in the middle of being addicted.

    afterwards: better. only way to describe it. i feel like everything around me has completely vanished and for an instant, one golden instant i am somewhere other than where i live, which is one of the reasons i hurt myself

    tell about your family life: unsettled. i got shoved around back and forth from family member who wanted me at the time. half my family did drugs. then a ton of stuff happened, even more s[censored]happened having to do with drugs and whatnot and my family, not me. i have never done drugs or drank or anything like that a day in my life. but anyways, i finally got settled down with certain family members who are completely overbearing controling and do not understand anything. they are the most rascist people i have ever met. they hate gays, which i am bisexual unannounced to them, they don’t understand transgenders, which i also am, you can also add that to the list since it adds to my depression. and they hate anybody who even dresses unlike them, goths for example who i would really love to dress like. which i would, if i were allowed to pick out my own clothes. which i do not. i developed bipolar disorder and psychosis coupled with a few others. i have a large audiance in my head mainly made up of things i hear during the day and comedians who think they’re funny like cat Williams, but sadly they aren’t even as funny as my life. i plan to never contact them again, move far away, and change my name one day. this is how much i hate my family.

    is there anyone who influenced you to cut: no. i have plenty of people, only my friends(online friends so it’s impossible for them to tell anyone i know physically), telling me not to cut though

    do you ever cut with friends: not technically

    please tell me anything you think needs to be said: the world is filled with people out there. some of them like me who suffer silently in the dark. some of them are people who have never known a day of sadness in their lives. some of them are the worst people you will ever meet. these people. never judge them bye what you see. unless you have met the person and spent every waking moment of their life with them and even crawled inside their minds and read every single thought they have ever had. you don’t know people. never think for a second you know someone. because everybody has secrets.

  17. your current age: I’m currently 16.

    how old you were when you started cutting: I started cutting/ burning my skin 3 months after my 15 birthday.

    what does cutting do for you: It gives me that feeling of control, it’s a temporary relief from the world.

    how do you feel before / after: I feel anxious, nervous, like someone is wanting me dead. but after all I feel is the warmth and the comfort that it had brought me.

    tell about your family life: My parents, brother, sisters and I all live about 400 miles from my grandparents. On both sides, our grandparents hate us. My mom is more fond of my siblings than I so she ignores me. My father is always working. I’ve got barely anyone to talk to.

    is there anyone who influenced you to cut: Sadly, yes. She told me it was pay back, and that it would help me relieve the stress that was building up inside me.

    do you ever cut with friends: I couldn’t/wouldn’t do that. I don’t think that’s morally right.

    please tell me anything you think needs to be said: I started cutting because of a girl who I thought was my friend. She manipulated my mind until I believed every last word that came out of her mouth. She started with my emotions, bringing them to an all time low until she convinced me to cut. I hadn’t stopped then. I formed a name. I never bled, which was odd for how far I cut. But I no longer listen to that girl, nor do I cut. I have an urge every now and then, so I snap myself with a rubber band. It’s temporary and relieving.

  18. i started cutting when i was about 12 and im now 19. it started when my dad left bcos he was cheating on my mum. i was very close to my dad so it really hurt me wen he left. at first cutting myself was a release to take away pain but then it became a release for every feeling and it takes over everything. i hav once gone 9weeks without cutting but havnt managed it again. i now have a boyfriend thats helping me to stop because my family arnt.

  19. Your current age: 21
    How old you were when you started cutting: 17/18

    What does cutting do for you: It’s a temporary relief from all the emotions inside me and sometimes it’s a way to punish myself.
    How do you feel before / after: I usually feel like I’m about to burst, like my body can’t hold all the negative feelings anymore. While crying often helps, it isn’t always an solution and before cutting I don’t cry. Afterwards I feel relieved and am ashamed at the same time as I don’t like cutting myself. And during the moments until I’m taking care of the wounds I’m also fascinated. Looking at my blood gives me something else to focus on.

    Tell about your family life: My parents got divorced just after I started elementary school. My father moved back to the country my family is originally from (I’m the only one not born there). At first I didn’t get to see him often, then he got a well-paid job and I saw him at least once a month and when he lost his job I saw him maybe once a year. I haven’t seen him in two years now I think. By now there is a rift between us, which he surely noticed by now, but he probably doesn’t know how far it goes. While he is my biological father I don’t think of him as my father anymore.
    My mother got married again and this man is like a father to me. He never treated my siblings or me any different than his own daughter, whom I don’t like. While still in elementary school (3rd or 4th grade), I went to her because I was bored and wanted to play with her and her friends. They had lots of fun… I not so much. I was lying on the floor, face down, and they had bond together my hands and legs. One of them actually sat down on me. So…yeah. I respect her, but at the same time there’s so much hatred for her inside of me…
    Other than that I can’t really complain though. I get along well with my siblings, my mother is nothing but supportive… She just doesn’t understand how I feel. I think by know she has a better understanding, but it’s still lacking. She also is the only person in my family that knows and her first reaction was nothing but discouraging… I immediately wanted to undo telling her and just cut even deeper. Afterwards it was…okay. She kept asking whether I did it again until I started studying. And when I started spending more and more of my weekends in the town where my university is, she stopped. She shouldn’t have…

    Is there anyone who influenced you to cut: Did other people tell me they used to cut themselves? Yes. Did anyone ever tell me that it made them feel better? No, no one ever did that. So I would say no one influenced me.

    Do you ever cut with friends: Hell, no. When I cut myself it’s a very private thing. Cutting with others… That seems like glorifying the whole thing to me, but it’s possible I just don’t understand the “benefits” of doing it with others.

    Please tell me anything you think needs to be said: While actually doing “it”, I feel like I’m split. There’s the part taking action, guiding my motions and the blade. And also organizes everything. I need sit properly as otherwise it would be harder to reach my ankles properly. Arms are just too obvious, but no one notices your ankles… And then there’s the other part, just watching and focused on the cuts. It also is the part that acts afterwards and takes care of the wounds.
    Other than that… I recently stumbled upon an blog entry of mine. Until then I couldn’t remember that it’s been less than a year since I last cut myself. I actually thought I had stopped after building the friendships I now have. But I was still proud, confident that I could go on as I made it through a harder time since then without cutting. Apparently I’m not through yet and I cut myself yesterday… It made me realize that living alone probably never will be good for me. It’s hard enough to deal with the silence around me when I’m alone after a long day with friends, but weekends are the worst.
    I’m not afraid of small rooms or wide spaces. As long as there’s someone else present. Once I’m alone I just want to curl up and cry…

  20. your current age – 16
    how old you were when you started cutting – 15
    what does cutting do for you – it is an outlet for me. i used to pounch everythig i saw when i was upset or just plain mean and terrible in everyway towards everyone. i grew up with a mom dad and 3 lil siblings. on the outside we look totally normal. a little rambunktious. but, we werent. my little siblings werent that bad but my dad was an [censored]. he was constantly mean and nothing was ever good enough for him. him and my momfought as far back as i remember but, when i was about 8 is when it really started getting bad and sinking in as to what was going on. when they would start fighting it would bring my mom(who is the toughest person i know) to tears. so more than once little 8 year old me would run into their rom and hug my mom while screaming at my dadnot to be mean to my mommy. so, after a few year of this, he started seeing that daddys little irl wasnt going to put up ith his lies and broken promises and such anymore, and me and him started having it out sometimes. we would arguealot especially when i hit about 13. i would turn to my friends and confide in them, but i found i couldnt really do that because they al had perfect families and didnt understrand. well i found 2 people i could finally trust. they were both guys, and one was my ex. they were the best friends anyone could ever have. until one of thyem raped me in the spring of 2011. that is what pushed me over the edge and intothe pitsof cutting. i had lost the one person i had finally decided to put 100% of my trust in(which is ALOT when you have trust issues). andi started cutting. itoldmy boyfriend (the other bestfriend earlier mentioned.) and it killed him, but i kept on. i cut up untill earlier this january, i have been trying desperately to stop, and hope i have finally succeded. but everytime i cut, its like all these worries, from school, family, my parents divorce, friends, just the world.. all the stress and negativity are releasedthrough the blood.. the more pain and blood there is the better you feel. the less stresed out, the happier, the shyer i get. i have never cut with friends but i have friends that do. and we all chastise eachother about it because we know its wrong and terrible thing to do.
    please tell me anything you think needs to be said – people who cut arent looking for attention or anything like that they are loking for a release. a way of getting rid of all the terrible things that happenin life. and you wont hardly ever be able to tell if someone cuts. if they do, they arent going to seem like a sad or depressed or troubled person. it will be someone who seems perfectly normal and fine on the outside. it amazing the things you can hide from even your closest friends.

  21. I’m 12 now, 13 in a few months, and I first tried cutting when I was about 8. It was actually kind of an accident. My mom and stepdad were fighting. Again. I was carving out a piece of wood, I used to do that when I got upset. And then, the knife slipped. It cut right across my arm, and it felt good. Better than nothing, anyway. I’ve got manic depression, so a lot of the time I’m really sad, or just empty, and then I have really happy days. Anyway, I cut only a few times, until I was about 10. Then, I went to cut, and the razor blade slipped straight to the bone. It wasn’t very far to go, but it still left a scar. A very bad scar. It was three months before my 11th b-day when I started cutting daily. It slowed down after a few months. During this time, my stepdad was moving in and out. He moved back in, and he and my mom started smoking. I started stealing their lighters, and I would leave the lighter on for ’bout 30 secs, then press the metal part on my hand, and try not to scream. Recently, my soon-to-be-EX-stepdad moved out again. He was charged with domestic violence, and also rightfully accused of neglect toward my brothers (his and my mom’s kids) and abuse towards me (me and my little brothers have the same mom, but my dad is purty much the opposite of theirs). Really, cutting and burning just let me feel alive. And in control, like it proved my stepdad wasn’t the only one who could hurt me, I could hurt me too. Before I cut, I usually feel desperate to feel something, or like I have no control. During, I feel completely in control, and alive. IT FEELS GOOD. That’s the sick part. After, though, relief leaves. I feel out of control, embarrassed, and the nothingness returns. I never really knew it was such a common thing until I quit, which was 2 months ago. I felt alone, except for some friends. J is the only one I’m still friends with, and he’s trying to quit, too. But J and I used to sneak out, and go out in the woods together. We would sit and talk, and cut. J and I both feel this needs to be said: cutting and other forms of self-harm are NOT suicide attempts. We don’t cut because we want to die, that’s what trying to hang ourselves is for. (yeah, I tried suicide a few times, another bad choice!) We cut because we want to live. It’s a way to cope with living, but it just hurts us more in the long run. Relief from self-harm is temporary, it will become an addiction, you will get trapped. But you need to reach out for help, because with help, anything is possible. And God is stronger than your addiction. Do not judge things you do not understand. And now, if you don’t SH (self-harm) don’t start. And if you do SH…reach out. Tell someone you know that you can trust, a teacher or a parent, or a pastor. You CAN get through this! <3 K & J

  22. I wish I could have a more personal approach to this. But cutting is an idea that has rarely been spoken out loud, and I can hardly find the right words to describe it.

    your current age: 17

    how old you were when you started cutting: 3 months after 16th birthday

    what does cutting do for you: It makes me feel in control, and temporarily makes me concentrate on the physical pain rather than the emotional one. I have memory loss, and scars mark the bad times and are a reminder of them, which somehow helps.
    how do you feel before / after:
    before: Often I cut to feel relief, not after fights or anything so when I feel like cutting I am stressed and emotionally empty. I start out calm, when the decision to cut has been made. Then a part of me becomes restless as I search for the tools. The seconds before doing it, my heart is beating very fast.

    After I feel like time has stopped, it is incredibly relieving and makes me feel very contempt. (as a comparation, it is somehow like the calm feeling you get after you experience an orgasm)

    tell about your family life: Parents were divorced and got remarried. I hate my dad’s wife and their daughter, his wife has made him a horrible person. My mother’s husband is a very good influence, I love him, he is so supportive and amazing, still has a young mind and can relate to most of the things i experience, BUT i haven’t told them about the cutting and probably never will. My mother and her husband also have a baby, and it leaves me feeling like I am inadequate and the remnant of their marriage. I prefer my mother’s daughter than my other stepsister, which is seven and I hate.
    I live with my grandparents, and my mum is working and has been living abroad for about nine or ten years. They are a bit old fashioned and I hate my grandpa but they are the kind of people that don’t notice lots of things so didn’t find about the cutting. I had a very close call when my grandma inquired why there was a sharpener’s razor in the bathroom, but I made some terrible excuse about that and she forgot all about it.

    My father is pressuring me into college, and I can’t talk to him about my personal problems or he shrugs them off. My mother would like to help me with any of my problems, or so she said, but I am hesitant to write to her as it could really concern her and with her being that far away would not help. I sometimes wonder how life would be if I lived with her, in my home country. I can’t even imagine it, literally. It would be so nice…
    I miss the days in middle school when I was bullied all the time. I am amazed how strong I was then and how weak I am now. The events that made me stay strong because I had to now slowly cause me to fall apart, and f*** it, they are distant memories! I think I am trying to hurt now for all that time I did not allow it.

    is there anyone who influenced you to cut: no, I used to read about self-harm in general on different teen forums, but in my country it is something most people don’t speak about. The first time I saw someone with self-harm cuts was a schoolmate/friend, and I thought she wanted attention, but probably she just wanted help. I jokingly mentioned it to her, and they sort of opened my eyes. Cutters were no longer emo’s in my mind, they were normal persons. I am sorry to say, but this is the truth, I think it would have been a thousand times harder for me to end up cutting had I not seen a real life cutter.

    do you ever cut with friends: No.

    please tell me anything you think needs to be said:
    No one does it for attention, if someone shows you that they cut it’s a sign that they TRUST you, please do not think otherwise. And yes, there are those people who show cuts to mostly anyone, but those are looking for anyone to help them. No one does it just to be cool.
    The first step to stopping is finding an alternative, healthy release. People that just take the razors away from the cutter have no idea that a person can harm itself even with no obvious tools. It will become a daily obsession, that person will think only of cutting, frantically looking for anything that inflicts pain, even if it’s a thought or a safety pin or self-hatred.

  23. im 41my husband has sought women now internet porn so I cut because im so fing discusting im nothing I dont want god I pray to just not wake up he took my knives so no the cutting hurts they just want me to shut up an go away all I want is for them to feel my hurt an pain in some horrific way to say omg im sorry im so sorry the fact is im nice with this hidden hurt and I have to eat it god will spew me out theres nothing more but pain

  24. your current age: 18
    how old you were when you started cutting: 12 i belive
    what does cutting do for you………..; it helps me deal with pain and my depression and everything that is going on in my head
    how do you feel before / after…………..: before i cut i fell like i wanna kill someone or myself or punch glass but after i feel calmed dowwn its like the cutting sooths me… like the blood helps me
    tell about your family life:……………… the weird thing is i have an amazing fome life and when people relize this they think i do it for attention..
    is there anyone who influenced you to cut:…………… no it happend by accident.
    do you ever cut with friends: …………… i dont ever want anyone to know

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